Flickfession: Transformers 3

I really enjoyed the first Transformers movie.  Sure it was your typical Michael Bay-splosionfest, but it had a decent story, good pacing and didn’t take itself too seriously.  Apparently, these were all problems with that first movie in the filmmakers mind.  Things that needed to be corrected in the subsequent sequels.

All along people said “Just give me 90 minutes of robots fighting each other and I’ll be happy”.  I was one of those people.  The old saying is true, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  What we got in #2 was a convulted mess, where countless robots paraded on screen to the point where even the most hardcore Transformers fan had no fucking clue what was going on, or who was involved.

After that abomination, I refused to pay to see Transformers 3 and the trailers that were released did not do much to pique my interest.  I’m happy to say that I stood firm and did not watch the movie until I could see it on a rental.

What we got was slightly better than #2.  But it’s better in the way that I’d rather be kicked in the shins than punched in the face.  There is certainly less wrong with this movie than there was with the previous.  Honestly, I can’t remember much of the 2nd one, including the ending, so I can’t speak to how this movie follows up on where our characters were at the end.

But, we start out with our heroic main character is a complete loser.  It took all my strength not to fast forward through these early Shia Lebouf scenes.  It’s simply pointless.  We get a dozen scenes proving that he is a loser, who is trying to ride the glory of the first 2 movies and is unable to give his life direction.  It does show how out of touch with reality this movie is when Shia’s dad wonders why 3 months out of college, from an ivy league school, he is unable to get a job.  Also, the parents are pissed at him when it’s said that the government paid his tuition as a thank you for saving the world.. twice.

I think the biggest problem with this series, is that it’s almost as if they didn’t watch the previous movies.  The entire convoluted plot, which I can’t even comprehend it all, basically depends on the fact that there were people who knew what was going on during the first 2 giant robot alien invasions and subsequent battles but decided to sit on important details until it was .. dun dun dun.. Too Late!

Also, much of what would be considered the Autobot’s code is forgotten in this movie.  The first movie sets up that they value life and freedom above all else.  But, in this film they sit by and watch as thousands are slaughtered just to prove a point.

Really and truly, there is a good movie buried in this mess of a film, and it would require much less to salvage this movie than the previous film.  Most of the first act is pointless filler, barely setting up a story.  We get pointless human characters who make no sense as to why they are in the film.  Ken Jeong, John Malkovich, and Alan Tudyk are completely wasted in this movie, contributing almost nothing to the story.  Patrick Dempsey initially proves to be useless, but actually became one of the few things I enjoyed in the movie.  His character is pointless and misguided but I could actually see him playing a similar type of character in a Bond movie.  Yes, I am being serious.  Frances McDormand plays one of those uptight bureaucrats who only appear in bad movies.

Common sense and logic have no place in a movie where characters can simply scream at each other and not sit down to talk reasonably considering they all have a very large common enemy.  Historical inaccuracies abound.  NASA fans should be pissed at this movie.  It’s downright insulting that Buzz Aldrin is in the film.

All throughout the film, as countless things blew up, characters died, things happened.. I just didn’t care.  And this I think is the greatest fault of the film.  You just don’t care.  There isn’t enough humanity in the humans for us to really care whether they live or die.  Michael Bay directs this almost as you would a porn, some thinly veiled plot to get you to the next money shot.

Transformers A-

Revenge of the Fallen D-

Dark of the Moon C-


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